And River was Born

I want to start by saying my birth did not go as planned. Im okay with that, but it's been a hard road to accepting that. I had a whole other post, written out about my birth and how River was born, but it didn't feel right, something felt like it was missing. It felt like I was just sharing the basics of what happened and tiptoeing around my feelings. I think in fear that someone may not understand and may judge me in some way.

Ever since before I was pregnant I knew that I wanted a natural water birth. I wanted no medication and had this perfect picture in my head of how it would all go. Once I got pregnant and I started telling others about this plan and about how I wanted this natural water birth I was hit with so many objections. People telling me I was crazy, letting me know that there was no way to do it without medication, and that I should really rethink this whole not getting an epidural plan I had. I had no problem with these statements basically my whole pregnancy, but when I hit about 7.5 months those statements really started to get to me. I started to feel like I had to prove everyone wrong and that I knew I could do it. Deep down though I was really worried about what would happen if I was not able to do it. When it came down to it though I gave it my all, 110% because this is something I really wanted for myself and for my baby. Now that that is said let me tell you about my birth and how everything played out.

My water broke November 4th at 745pm. At first I was not sure If I had just peed my pants or if my water broke! lol! It was not like the movies were there is a big gush, at least not for me, but it was noticeable! We called the midwifes and let them know what was going on. We went in at 9pm to confirm that it in fact was my water. After that they sent us home because we live only a few minutes away and because you are more likely to progress at home when you are more relaxed and in your own familiar environment. At home we tried to get some rest because we knew what was to come, but it was really hard to sleep and I think I got about 3 to 4 hours before the contractions started to become more noticeable. By 6am there was no way I was sleeping. The picture below is from 11pm the night of the 4th and is the last photo I have of River in my belly.

At my 38week appointment I tested positive for strep B and because of this it is recommended you get antibiotics after your water breaks, but sometime before you have reached 16 hours. So we had to be back at the birthing center by 11am for my first dose. Then you have to get them every 6 hours after that. When we were there we got antibiotics and then were sent back home to eat and try to progress a little further. I was having contractions, but they were not super bad at this point. We headed to a smoothie shop to grab me a smoothie bowl and then back home for a bath and to collect our things to bring back with us when went back in. I don't know why, but I was so scarred we were going to forget the carseat! I had installed the base a few weeks earlier, but I the bucket seat was in the house.

Around 5pm when we got back to the center I got another dose of antibiotics and they did my first check. I was 6cm dilated and I believe about 70% effaced at this point. By the time I was getting in the tub it had officially been about 24 hours since my water broke.

Here is where everything really started to get real. The tub helped release a lot of the pressure, but I was still in pain due to the REALLY bad back labor I was having. If you have never experienced back labor, consider yourself lucky. I would never wish that pain on anyone. My legs are starting to tense up just thinking about it. The only thing that slightly relieved the pain was Austin pressing on my hips/sit bones with all his might! Which was causing him to become exhausted with me.

We were at the birthing center for about 9 to 10 hours and I think those were the longest hours of my life. I was determined to have my birth as according to plan. Since we were at the birthing center and not at the hospital there was no option of an epidural. My only option was Nitrous, better known as laughing gas. The midwifes suggested I try this out because the back labor was getting to be unbearable. I tried it and I HATED it. It made me feel dizzy and completely out of it. I felt like I had no control and no idea what was happening, but it was keeping my heart rate down and in-turn was keeping the baby out of stress.

At about 1am they had me get out of the water and try different positions to help with Rivers heart rate. I felt a strong urge to begin pushing. The midwifes did a second check and realized that I was about 9-9.5 centimeters dilated. As I was pushing Rivers heart rate kept dropping and at the time there was no real reason as to why this was happening.

This part will be graphic for a minute, so skip this paragraph if you get squeamish. Since his heart rate kept dropping we had to try and rotate him. That was some of the worst pain I have ever felt and to make it worst I was still having extreme back labor. Austin and one midwife were holding my legs back while the main midwife had her hand inside trying to physically rotate River to relieve pressure from his cord. We had first tried moving me in different positions, but that didn't seem to help so this was the next step.

We finally got his heart rate back to normal and the urge to push seemed to fade away. At this point it had been about 31 hours since my water broke and I had nothing left in my tank. Austin was exhausted and in pain from having to help me relive some of my pain. We just couldn't do it anymore. I remember laying in the bed feeling totally high from the nitrous fighting with myself on whether or not I could keep going. I was heart broken over the fact that things were not going according to my plan. I could hear all those naysayers in my head saying "I told you so". I didn't want to give up, but I knew at that point in time I couldn't take it anymore and I couldn't put Austin through it anymore. So we made the decision to transfer to the hospital.

Since it was not an urgent situation and the hospital was only about 10mins away we grabbed out stuff and drove over there. Once we got to the hospital I was still pretty high off the Nitrous and don't fully remember everything. I think I blacked out for bits and pieces of what happened next. I know we got admitted pretty quickly and that labor and delivery was expecting us. I also know I was still in a ton of pain so the first thing Austin did was ask for an epidural for me. Before I could get that though I had to have another bag of antibiotics in my system. So they got that done pretty quickly and I remember the anesthesiologist was amazing. He let me stay lying down while he placed my epidural and did it pretty quickly.

After that first initial tester dose my legs were finally able to release from the clenching they had been doing for the last 24+ hours and that was an instant relief. After they got all the initial admittance stuff done they were able to hook River up to a monitor and check where I was at. At this point I had digressed and was now only 7cm dilated. I looked this up and it is something called a pasmo and it basically is a word used to describe reversal in labor and there are many reason this can happen. Because of how long it had been since my water broke and since dilation had gone down they needed to give me Pitocin(a drug that helps speed up labor). I was finally able to get some rest and passed out from about 7am-10am. Mind you by the time I woke up it had been about 40 hours since my water broke.

Around noon they did another check and found that I was 9.5cm dilated and about 95% effaced. I was right there. The finish line was in sight, but the doctor didn't seem to think so. She told me that I had an hour otherwise she was prepping me for a C section. I see nothing wrong with those that get C sections, but this was NOT something I had planned for. It was something I did not want at all. So the second she mentioned it I started bawling. All I could think was that "I just went though the last how many hours of labor for this? Now you want to cut me open? It was all for nothing" and I was pissed. I was not letting it happen. I was SO close and so determined.

So I had our amazing nurse, Madison, come back in the room and I told her I wanted her to help me do what ever was necessary to help me get the rest of the way there. So she upped the Pitocin and kept rotating me to help get River the rest of the way down and into position. About an hour later I told Madison I felt like I had to push. Sure enough she checked and it was time. I began pushing and was crowning by the time the doctor got back in the room to prep me for my C section that I was 1000% not having. The doctor was super shocked for some reason and even seemed a bit disappointed. Later on we had a few nurses tell us that doctor loved preforming C sections and tried to get lots of moms to do them.

Here things will get a bit graphic again. So skip this paragraph if you cant handle it. Another thing I said I didn't want was an episiotomy. For those of you who don't know what that is, the definition is a surgical cut made at the opening of the vagina during childbirth. While I was pushing they told me this was something they were going to have to do. I questioned them on it, but was informed that it not something commonly practiced anymore because they are harder to heal from than a natural tear. So the fact that they needed to do it, meant that they really had to do it. If I am honest I didn't feel it at all. They made their cut and at the same time I pushed Rivers head out which in turn ended up tearing me even more. I had what they called a second degree tear. As Austin describes it to me, his head popped out, then his neck, then a cord, and then another cord. Both wrapped tightly around his neck. I had oxygen again because his heart rate kept dropping and now we knew why.

Once his head popped out though I thought "Let me keep pushing and just get him all the way out." I didn't know about the cord and was so out of it that I didn't even hear everyone yelling at my to stop pushing until Austin hit me in the arm. When I was continuing to push I was pulling those cords even tighter around his little neck. This was also the reason that when I was pushing he kept getting puled back in. The doctors acted fast though and got those cords cut asap. They then laid him on me, but he didn't begin to cry so they took him away(still in our room) and handed him off to the NICU nurses who were on standby. After sucking his fluids out and patting him on the back they were able to get a sound out of him. I was still totally out of it and nothing felt real. It took me a few mins to come to and to really know what was going on.

After I finally got to hold river it all started to hit me. This was really my son! I just did this! Austin and I created this perfect little bean with a mega mind head. lol! I was in love!

If I am completely honest though, I was feeling really guilty after he was born. I was so happy that he was here and healthy, but I was also feeling like I let him down and like I let myself down. I was not able to have this birth like I wanted and in turn everyone who told me I could not do it ended up being right. I know deep down that having him here and healthy is all that matters, but it's still hard not to feel ashamed of how it all happened and then in turn I feel guilty that I even felt that way. They tell you child birth is hard physically, but i think a lot of times you are not told how hard it can be mentally. So mamas, please know you are not alone and its okay to feel your feelings no matter what they are and its okay to reach out for help if you need it.

Now that its all said and done I know in my heart that everything worked out the way it needed to and this mama is SO happy to finally be a mama! I am so in love with this little boy of mine! River Allen Kane Alexander was officially born November 6th, 2019 at 320pm Weighing 8lbs 10oz!

Xoxo, Macayla